I'm not saying I'm boring but..

I don't want to be in my skin much. I'm not very happy over some stupid family drama that involves David's family. There are some people that I don't like and judgmental bullies that decide to tear down other people are certainly in that category.

David is running for Congress. I love the fact that I married a man with ambition and drive. I don't care if he doesn't win. I don't care if he doesn't get but a couple of votes. Yes I'll be a bit disappointed. Not disappointed in him, but disappointed in the fact that the average man has a hard time getting other average men voting for him.

I still miss my mother. I had a dream with her in it, it's really quite unforgettable. I was all by myself crying, and she came to me and said, "Why are you so sad?" and I told her, "Because I didn't get to make you happy". And she said, "It wasn't your job to make me happy". And I was still crying and I told her, "But I didn't have a chance to do anything to make you proud of me". And she returned, "You made me proud of you everyday". In my dream it made me feel better. But whenever I think about the dream I get emotional and it makes me cry. I wish I still had that kind of support in my life. I would never get that from David's family. I could get it from my step mom but I don't think it's quite the same. I really wanted to make something of myself to my mother. I wanted her to see that she raised me and I was able to be successful because of her.

Now that I think about it it's kind of ironic. David is running for Congress. How many people can say that about their husbands, or their kids? And my Husband is taking on a huge project and attempting to make a success of himself. And his father can't say one nice thing about it? It's funny how Gerald can run down his own son. His own flesh and blood, whom he raised, and not think about how he should have a little bit of pride in raising an ambitious son. Idiot.

My mother told me how proud she was of me for the simplest of things, and his father can't be proud of him for showing initiative and ambition? In the interim, I think that it's just that same thing, where the father is jealous of the sons accomplishments and he has to run him down just to make him feel better. Yes it happens all the time. And men have something to prove to make their sons feel small and insignificant. Dave and I already said we wouldn't raise our son that way. At least I try to make sure Dave is aware of that. I make sure to tell my Husband how he should tell his Son he is proud of him. It makes Jarret feel better, especially when he tries his hardest to do something. It's funny how perfect strangers can tell your son how they are proud of him, and yet it practically chokes a father to tell a son that. I'm glad I'm not a boy.

OH yes the family has been waking up every weekday at 5 am and jogging. Well the boys jog, I just walk. We have to get up this early because it's always hot here in the valley, and at least at 5 in the morning it's cool enough to do the exercise. Any time after the sun rises, you're really gambling because it gets too hot. Even after 6 or 7 it will start to get muggy and hot. I'm proud of our family for doing that. It all started because we were trying to figure out punishments for Jarret. We came to a point where we couldn't take anything else away from the kid. And I'm sorry for those who practice this method, but Time Out for a teenager is stupid. Seriously, go sit in the corner or bedroom for 13 minutes? Ooh better not get in trouble. And of course we don't hit our kid. After a certain age, hitting is really just abuse. The age where they can think and reason and speak is a good time to stop. So running was perfect. He tires himself out. And after a few scrapes and being told he'd have to run extra laps, he got the idea not to lie, not to skip out on homework, not to do things that required punishment. And not only does it work because kids don't like running laps, but it works because he is building up his stamina and growing muscle. It's a win win situation. I'm really quite proud of us for coming up with this punishment.
And that's all that's going on so far.

What I've learned so far in my 30's

I guess one of the most important things that I've learned as an individual is that you can't change people. People are who they are. You can't date someone hoping they'll be something else. If someone refuses to end a habbit that they've aquired, they may start off with good intentions and end it, for the sake of keeping a relationship, but you've got to be careful. If they're ending a habbit for you, then the second you do something they dissagree with, then that habbit can start right up again.

It sounds a little negative, but you shouldn't really get into a friendship or romantic relationship with someone unless you're willing to accept them for who they are. Let them be who they are and they will love you all the more for it. Don't enter into a relationship with all kinds of conditions, and lines that they can't cross. This is the most irritating thing of any relationship.

So of course you have to ask yourself if you are willing to accept someone for who they are does that mean that you can't hope for that person to better themselves? Here's the thing, if you're getting into a relationship with someone who already thinks that they are the best person they can be, and they can't even think of anything that they need to work on, then duh, that's as far as they're going to go. I flipping hate people who think they are the gift. You know the types, you can't tell them anything because they're always right, they belive that what they've done in life is perfect, and for anyone to question them, then those people need to work on themselves. I have met so many people with that attitude too. If you can live with someone who knows they are the gift, then accept them for being a paper boy at the age of 35, or for being the holiest of holy's. And love them for it.

Ok so that's the first lesson. Accept your friend/loved one for who they are and love them for it.

The second thing I've learned, and this is the most recent: The best thing that you can do for yourself is love yourself. I'm not saying that you have to be narcisistic and admire yourself. But being a woman, we all have those moments when we don't like the way we look, or we analyze a conversation we had and think about how stupid we were. You know, if there is something you don't like about a friend, you can easily over look it. But when it's something about yourself, then it's harder to overlook it, and easy to obsess about it and try to correct it, if possible. Look at all the plastic surgury that's being done these days, and these self-help books that teach you how to be happy with yourself. And Therapy. How many millions have been poured into therapy from people who obsess about changing themselves or others.

So really my opionion is, is that you just need to be happy with yourself and others and everything will work itself out.

It takes and takes, and when is it gonna Give?

Life seems to take so many things. I mean sometimes you wonder what is the point in loving, and life and when is it finally going to give something without taking? My mother died last March 9th. It's hard to believe that it hasn't even been 4 months yet. Seriously it feels like it was at least a year ago that I got the phone call that my mother passed away. I hated that day. I was busy doing laundry and unusually energetic. The phone rang and it was my husband, as I was coming down stairs, I saw one of those little twinkle lights in the middle of a vacant ceiling. When I saw it, I shook it off, because I haven't seen one in a long time, and I had to get the phone. My husband told me to call my aunt because she had been called by Bob. I'm not sure why Bob didn't call me, I had always figured it would be Bob that I would hear the news from. Bob was my mother's boyfriend. But I called my aunt, and she told me to call the hospital. I called the hospital and they said that it didn't look good for her, that she had already had a couple of heart attacks and she was probably going to go. I got a call 20 minutes later that told me that while I was speaking to the doctor my mother had passed away. And just like that I had no mom anymore.
I'm waiting and waiting to have some sort of gift from God, another life enter ours, kind of like an exchange for taking my mother so soon. We've been trying to have a baby for so long, and instead of getting something, something big was taken away from me. I no longer have a realationship like I had with my mother. We were so close, and I've never known anyone to be so close as we were. I'm sure everyone believes that they have a special relationship with someone, who knows them like no one else does, and for me it was my mother. I could hide my feelings from the world, and only my mother knew what I was feeling. Sometimes she knew better than I did. She knew days before it happened, that I was falling into a depression.
So when is God or Heaven, or Karma, going to give me something to replace that relationship?
I am married, and I love my husband, but he is not, nor will he ever be my Mother.

Should auld habbits be forgot?

One of the things I love about David's family is the lack of gossip. We never get any phone calls with the he-said-she-said. It's awesome. At Christmas time at David's parent's house nobody was mad at anybody for anything. There is never any gossip. It's beautiful. I was talking with someone when I caught myself gossiping.
Oh my goodness, I am a total gossip addict. I don't know why it is, it just happens. I think a big problem is that I didn't recognize it as gossiping. I just thought of it as talking about people, and trying to resolve thier issues by talking about it over and over... to other people... Yeah I know it's quite silly.
Anyhow that has been my resolution to break gossiping habbit for the new year, and I didn't post it before, for fear of jinxing it.